Pre-Surgery Thoughts

I finished chemo about 3 weeks ago.  In that time I began seeing a naturopath, Dr. DenBoer.  He put me on a very restrictive detox diet and I'm feeling great.  One strange reality of this journey has been that every time I show up to the hospital, I'm feeling great.  Then they pump me with toxins or cut me open and I go home feeling miserable.  That process begins again as I go into surgery tomorrow for a double mastectomy.

Many people have asked me what I'm learning through all of this.  Sometimes it's hard to know what you're learning when you're still right in the middle of it.  But, here are a few things that God is teaching me so far:

- There are things that I can't handle on my own.  This may seem obvious but I'm stubborn and this has been a tough lesson.  He's teaching me that he has capable, strong and trustworthy hands that are ready to take over whenever I am humble enough to hand my burdens over to him.  What a relieving truth.

- His will is mysterious and bigger than me and what I want.  This may also seem obvious but shifts my mindset toward God immensely.  I can pray for what outcomes I want and that's not necessarily a bad thing.  But, there's true power and peace when I can pray that God's will be done whatever that means.  We see Jesus pray this way in the garden before he is arrested for crucifixion.  He prays that God would "take this cup from me" but "your will, not my will, be done."  That is a prayer that takes immense faith and trust.  It's downright scary in a situation where my life truly hangs in the balance.  I'd like to say that I trust God this much all of the time but God is still working on me in this one.

- "The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7.  I've read this verse in the Bible many times but in the past several months I have come to really understand it in the depths of my being.  Fear, despair, and hopelessness can creep in very easily in the midst of suffering.  They can come out of nowhere when I'm feeling fine.  But, I've learned in these situations to pray God's peace over my mind and heart.  And in situations where fear seems like the natural emotion, God's peace does just what this verse says.  He provides a peace that can only be described as divine because I know that it could not possibly be coming from within myself.  And it guards my heart and mind from fear, despair and hopelessness which are not from God.

As I go into surgery, please pray for my complete healing, clear lymph nodes and a quick recovery.  But also that God's will, not my will, be done.

As I continue on this journey through cancer, the lyrics to several songs by Tenth Avenue North have become part of my prayers.  So, I will leave you with this:


                                                                  "Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn