Pre-Surgery Thoughts

I finished chemo about 3 weeks ago.  In that time I began seeing a naturopath, Dr. DenBoer.  He put me on a very restrictive detox diet and I'm feeling great.  One strange reality of this journey has been that every time I show up to the hospital, I'm feeling great.  Then they pump me with toxins or cut me open and I go home feeling miserable.  That process begins again as I go into surgery tomorrow for a double mastectomy.

Many people have asked me what I'm learning through all of this.  Sometimes it's hard to know what you're learning when you're still right in the middle of it.  But, here are a few things that God is teaching me so far:

- There are things that I can't handle on my own.  This may seem obvious but I'm stubborn and this has been a tough lesson.  He's teaching me that he has capable, strong and trustworthy hands that are ready to take over whenever I am humble enough to hand my burdens over to him.  What a relieving truth.

- His will is mysterious and bigger than me and what I want.  This may also seem obvious but shifts my mindset toward God immensely.  I can pray for what outcomes I want and that's not necessarily a bad thing.  But, there's true power and peace when I can pray that God's will be done whatever that means.  We see Jesus pray this way in the garden before he is arrested for crucifixion.  He prays that God would "take this cup from me" but "your will, not my will, be done."  That is a prayer that takes immense faith and trust.  It's downright scary in a situation where my life truly hangs in the balance.  I'd like to say that I trust God this much all of the time but God is still working on me in this one.

- "The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7.  I've read this verse in the Bible many times but in the past several months I have come to really understand it in the depths of my being.  Fear, despair, and hopelessness can creep in very easily in the midst of suffering.  They can come out of nowhere when I'm feeling fine.  But, I've learned in these situations to pray God's peace over my mind and heart.  And in situations where fear seems like the natural emotion, God's peace does just what this verse says.  He provides a peace that can only be described as divine because I know that it could not possibly be coming from within myself.  And it guards my heart and mind from fear, despair and hopelessness which are not from God.

As I go into surgery, please pray for my complete healing, clear lymph nodes and a quick recovery.  But also that God's will, not my will, be done.

As I continue on this journey through cancer, the lyrics to several songs by Tenth Avenue North have become part of my prayers.  So, I will leave you with this:


                                                                  "Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Fully Present

There are seasons when time passes by like a blur.  Like when you lay down to sleep on your first night of a week long vacation and in the blink of an eye you're in the airport heading back home.  Then there are other stages that feel as if a cosmic pause button has been pressed, leaving us wondering when the page will be turned and life will continue.  That's where we're at.  It feels like a lifetime ago that the words "cancer" and "us" crossed paths and began traveling this road together.  Yet, the journey has just begun as I start chemo this week.

I think it's a natural human response when we experience pain, heartache or struggle to want to fast forward time... or better yet, press the "thumbs down" button and skip to a better track.  I've found myself longing for this battle to be over, for victory to be had and for my life to become "normal" again.  Yet, as the world seems to be turning in slow motion around me, it has given me the eyes to see things that would have passed me by too quickly to have taken notice of before.  Like driving home today in heavy traffic while the sunset put on an extravagant show of beauty as it disappeared behind the clouds.  In "normal" life I might think "nice sunset, now get out of my way you stupid Nissan who is driving way too slow for the left lane!"  In this slow motion version of my life my only thought was, "O Lord my God when I in awesome wonder, consider all thy hands have made."

It's interesting because most of us fear suffering, try to avoid, numb or deny it.  But, there's something incredibly centering about suffering.  Great people, people of depth and wisdom, people who are centered and grounded, who are fully present, authentic people who have a sort of joy about them that flows from the core of their being... these are never people who have had an easy, pain-free life.  They're people who have suffered and suffered well.  Because it's pain where real life begins to happen.  It's suffering that grows us up and allows us to begin to see clearly what's really been going on around us all the time.  It's struggle that gives us the choice to live a life that matters and makes an impact on the world.  So, I face the choice to deny, numb, avoid or fight the pain or I can follow God right into the middle of it.  I can engage it.  I can pay attention.  I can let it break me open knowing that it is in my brokenness that I can most clearly see the loving, gracious, adoring arms of a Heavenly Father whose heart breaks with mine.  So, I pray that in the moments when everything in me wants to numb and avoid this pain, that I have the courage to be fully present in it so that God can use this suffering in the fullest way possible.  Thanks for your continued prayers and support!

Mayo Visit

We drove to Mayo Clinic last Sunday just as Rochester got hit with 12" of snow.  That unwelcome arrival was the beginning of a long but helpful, emotionally tolling yet productive week.  When we left GR, we hoped to return by the next day so we could head out to an Eagan family wedding in NY.  But, we're becoming acquainted with the reality that our schedule and plans don't mean much right now.  At 5pm, only 15 hours before our flight to NY, my doctor let us know that she wanted us to stick around for a few more days to meet with my oncologist and run some more tests.  So, we cancelled our flight, extended our rental car and got another hotel room.  Although we were extremely sad to miss the wedding, by the end of the week we were so grateful that we had stayed.  We were incredibly impressed by my doctors and left feeling like we have a plan of action.

It's a very weird thing to know that I have a serious disease yet feel strong, healthy and have no symptoms at all.  But, the reality of cancer and difficulty of what treatment will look like is beginning to set in.  My oncologist at Mayo recommended doing chemo right away before I have surgery.  This news hit us as hard as the initial diagnosis and has opened up some new areas of grief.  I will lose my hair, most likely feel very tired and nauseous and be in treatment for 5 months... and in Michigan, the next 5 months are the reason that the harsh winters don't drive us away.

Despite the grief, we are very grateful for all of your prayers and support.  God has been very present and provided for us in so many ways already.  Here's a list of just a few:

- Ross and I decided to increase our life insurance out of the blue last fall.  We got a letter stating that the full life policy we purchased was approved and our premiums were locked in for life as of March 1...  I was diagnosed on March 2.  Thanks be to God!

- I prayed that we would be able to get the best care and feel very confident in our treatment decision.  We found out this week that the breast surgeon who will be doing my surgery is the chief surgeon at Mayo, has been doing breast surgeries for over 20 years, serves as the chair of the education board there and has received the "America's Top Doctors" Award for the past 7 straight years.  Thanks be to God!

- There is a new option for mastectomy surgery where they place an implant on the outside of the pectoral muscle (typically the muscle is gradually stretched to fit the implant behind the muscle).  This surgery leaves the implant looking more realistic and feels more comfortable long term.  I prayed that this would be an option for me despite there only being 2 surgeons at Mayo that perform this surgery.  The next day I found out that the plastic surgeon assigned to me is not only able to do this type of surgery, he was the one who invented it.  Thanks be to God!

Please pray that my body reacts well to the chemo and that the side effects are minimal.  Please continue to pray for God's strength and peace as I enter this first phase of kicking cancer's butt!

Update

I wanted to give everyone a quick update:

We are in a stage of gathering information.  Thankfully, we have great insurance so I'm getting 3 opinions - Spectrum, St. Mary's and Mayo Clinic.

We know that right now the tumor seems to be fairly small.  During surgery they will test my lymph nodes to be sure that they haven't been affected.  The result of that test will determine whether I will need chemo or not.  Radiation is likely but is also dependent on surgery and lymph node involvement.  We are heading to Mayo next week for the final opinion.

Overall, this process feels a little bit like buying a car.  We're "test driving" hospitals, oncologists, and surgeons.  The downside is that there's no consumer's report on doctors and I can't return my boob to the store if I don't like how it turns out after surgery.

So, we ask for prayers for clarity and wisdom as I make these decisions.  Please also pray that we may continue to experience God's peace and strength and trust him in each step of this process. 

Me, God and My Diagnosis

About three weeks ago, I was sitting at my desk reading my Bible and talking with God.  Yes, I talk out loud mostly because I'm ADD but I've also found that it helps remove the religious baggage of the over-spiritualized prayers and rituals that can feel so stuffy and void of authenticity.  It's just me and God, having a conversation like old friends.  I can't quite remember what we talked about that day but probably work and marriage and my to-do list.  Although the conversation was typical, God's response to me felt much different than normal.  His peace flooded over me like a wave.  For those of you who know me well, you know that few moments in life leave me speechless.  But in this moment, all I could do was sit in God's presence, overwhelmed by his peace and be grateful.  It is this peace that has carried me through the following days and weeks since, preparing me for the difficult road that lies ahead.

About a week later, I had a routine doctor appointment where they found a lump.  Within days, I had a mammogram, ultrasound and was sent for a biopsy.  Then, waiting... waiting is always the worst.  There is bliss in ignorance and power in knowledge but what do you do with the in between?  Well, we just wait and lean into God and let his peace continue to carry us.  Oh, and we may have also indulged in a little "retail therapy" as we now refer to our sudden desire to shop when we need a distraction.  I'm quite sure that retail therapy is a genetic condition passed down from my Grandma Kennedy and affects most of the women in the family.

Anyway, after three days of waiting, we got the call... you have cancer.  Invasive Ductal Carcinoma to be exact.  In that instant our world changed.  God had been preparing us for this.  There are points in life where faith becomes something much more than believing that God exists.  In this moment, we don't know why and that doesn't seem important.  What we know is that God doesn't waste anything... even cancer.  In all things... even this... God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  Thanks be to God.